and now i move forward.
I've spent my entire adult life pursuing the fine details of my passions.
the environment. energy healing. nutrition. mushrooms. energy reading. and on. and on.
I feel the integration pulsing through my body.
a whole new me.
I've spent the last 20 years learning because I never felt good enough. Never felt qualified. Never had the confidence to allow myself to be a leader. I never trusted that my wisdom and skills were worthy. I kept gaining certifications, attending seminars, listening to "the experts". And I watched as my peers learned and positioned themselves to move forward. Yet I still didn't feel equipped.
Last March my grandpa died. We were close in life, but I couldn't say that I felt a strong bond, as I did with my grandma.
One week before he passed something shifted for me. In a stream of thought encouraged by a dear friend, I put two and two together and the answer shined a light on my life's journey.
The next morning an ambulance drove him off to the hospital. At that point, we never looked too deeply, an ambulance was a routine scenario and the man was a frigging ox. He just kept defying the odds and pulling through.
Six days later he passed. But in those last six days I connected deeper with him than I have with any other human being, except of course my children. Praying for the angels to surround him, sharing reiki and simply sitting with him in his final days. It was a gift that I never knew that I wanted.
During those days with my grandpa, something shifted in me. I knew that I was stepping in to a new chapter. I continued to refine my practice, but I knew that it was time to step out into the world.
Exactly six months later, more life shifts happened and I am on the precipice of a breakthrough. Another month and a half pass and I commit.
I commit to moving forward.
I commit to embracing my wisdom and healing.
I commit to being WORTHY.
I commit to sharing with my community.
I commit to moving forward.
I feel the integration of all that is me pulsing throughout my body.
Inspiration has arrived in all forms.
And then, the anxiety. the doubt. the withdrawal.
You see, anxiety stems in the gut. And the gut has always been my weakest arena. So I strengthen the energy in that system. And I begin writing. And the anxiety fades. And I write and write and it FLOWS. Until, of course, I write the section on fear. And it goes well. I decide to expand on it well beyond my original intent. And then I stop. I freeze. No more words come out. I'm done.
"Who do you think you are?", "What do you have to share that hasn't been shared?", "Scale this project back. Like waaaaaay back. Actually you can stop now and it will all be fine."
Oh. Hello fear. Hello self doubt. Hello low self esteem.
there. you. are.
So I sat in this. I gave it space. A friend had previously recommended Elizabeth Gilbert's new book and also podcast, "Big Magic". It arrived then, in my corner of the reserve shelf, at my library. Just so happens, it's all about fear and creativity. I can't recommend it enough.
And so, I chose to throw on my grandmother's pearls, providing the energy of confidence, risk taking, assertiveness, joy and most importantly my grandma. I chose to make space for fear. I welcome fear. I embrace and love fear. Fear plays a vital role in our lives. We would not survive without fear. But I am putting fear in the backseat of this journey. Creativity, Confidence, and Divine Love have wrapped their arms around me and together we move forward.
As Liz Gilbert so eloquently states, "Dearest Fear, creativity and I are about to go on a road trip together I understand you'll be joining us because you always do....there's plenty of room in this vehicle for all of us, but understand this, Creativity and I will be the only ones making decisions...your suggestions will never be followed. You are allowed to have a seat, a voice, but you are not allowed to have a vote... Above all else, you are absolutely forbidden to drive."
What soul desire is fear stopping you from doing? How can I help you put fear in the backseat and move forward? Connect with me. Grab your grandmother's pearls, whatever that may be for you and join me over at my Facebook page ~ Gina Maria and let's get you moving forward too.
Embracing your SoulShine,